Category Archives: Humor

Finally the End Begins – Iowa

Tonight marks the start of the beginning of the end. The Iowa Caucus has begun and that means we are finally beginning the journey to the end of this political chaos.

We all know what the candidates say on the outside; the lies and blasphemy they blurt to appease the largest group of people. But what are they really thinking? Wouldn’t it be good to know what’s going on inside? Let’s take a look at the candidates from their campaigning shenanigans this past week and see what they are actually thinking:

Hillary Clinton is really thinking: Did someone remember to put that stupid Iowa flag up? I’ve gotten really suck up to these Iowians…is that a word? Note to self: have my assistant look that up later… “Um what did you ask, again?”

 

Trump is really thinking: Mhmm, yes, yes, this is going to look GREAT to all those Evangelists. I hope someone is taking a photo of this moment. Let me purse my lips to make it look like I am actually feeling His presence. Jokes on you, Christians! 

Rubio is actually thinking: I hope no one notices me sweating. Please don’t notice, please don’t notice, please don’t…. Oh no, these spotlights are not working for me, are they?

 

Paul is actually thinking: I believe… I believe that….I believe that I can win, I believe that I can win….c’mon Rand, you got this, eyes on the prize, stand strong, you’ve got this. Best. Pep-talk. Ever.

 

Santorum is actually thinking: Ha ha ha, check it out errrrybody. Nobody knows that I pretended this was Trump while I shot. Slayed him.

 

Kasich is really thinking: Nailed that fist bump. Did anyone see that? I crushed it with a millennial. GO JOHN GO.

 

Cruz is actually think: Hehe that is tickling my ear. And that’s all he’s got going up top.  

Bush is thinking: I’m actually talking to an empty room. Luckily no one really watches me to know that, though.

O’Malley, poor guy, is thinking: This about sums it up. Only my fist makes it in focus for the photo.

Fiorina is thinking: Are the lights on? Did they not realize that I’m the guest speaker? I’m just going to keep talking straight into the souls of my audience.

 

Christie is actually thinking: Did they have to put a mirror right there? I already have two chins, now I have four thanks to those jerks…… MIRRORS ARE THE DEMISE OF SOCIETY AND THEY WILL KILL US SOMEDAY IF NO ACTION IS TAKEN.  

And, lastly, Sanders is thinking: Hey you over there, yeah, you, Mr. Ghost. I know you’re back listening to me and I will continue to point you out until everyone else sees you, too. Arg grrr ar gggg.

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Filed under debate, democrats, GOp, Humor, Uncategorized

I’m Done With: Driving (in FL)

Florida’s driving experience in one sentence:  Driving across a bridge for days next to a million-year-old person from ‘up North’ and running over construction cones. Welcome to the Sunshine state.

One, OLD PEOPLE.

Not only do they drive slowly, but they drive erratically. But that’s probably because they are sitting so far up in their seat that their forehead touches the windshield. One cannot properly drive if his or her chest is caved into the steering wheel. Also, old people are so short that you never know if someone is actually in the driver’s seat or not….”Maybe it’s one of those new driver-less cars!……oh no, just a hundred-year-old man again.” #disappointed

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Second, SNOWBIRDS

What’s worse than old people all over the roadways? Snowbirds. They are old people from out of town, which means they cannot drive by default plus have an out-of-town handicap. let me define snowbirds for you: people who want to escape the cold but clog up our roads and create severe rage among Floridians. When the sign says 45MPH, it means 50MPH is the socially acceptable speed, 45MPH is the you-must-have-just-gotten-a-ticket speed, 40MPH is you’re-testing-my-patience-speed and anything else means you need to get off of the road right this second. Snowbirds always go 10MPH under the limit. Plus their sense of proper driving must completely escape their brain once they depart from their home state. Stopping traffic so you can move over 4 lanes for a right turn coming up in 2 miles IS NOT OKAY.

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Third, CONSTRUCTION

It never ends. Probably because our state never ends. But still, once you think you’ve made it to a clearing in traffic, WHAM. It is all a cruel game the government plays with you. One moment you are cruising, peacefully above the speed limit, and then within seconds you have to completely stop and merge three lanes into one. And people wonder why one of Florida’s cities is at the top of the country’s road rage list (cough, cough Miami).

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Fourth, WEATHER

Honestly, cars in Florida should be half boats. See when it rains, it pours. Flooding is a given between the months of June and September. But Floridians don’t stop for rain, hail, hurricanes, or anything. We’ve been through it all and nothing phases us. But what it does phase is our cars. You’d think we would learn that we stall out when the rain is up to the top of our windshields, but nope. Every time there is a wave of rain, there are a bunch of cars making their final trip to the junk yard. RIP grandma’s Lincoln Town car.

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Lastly, BRIDGES

Florida has many long bridges because nothing is connected here. We have bodies of water everywhere, so it is nothing new to be crossing a bridge for over 15 minutes. Literally, you take a bridge from some places just to get to a grocery store or a gas station. Those warnings to check your gas tank levels are all too real. Who even remembers they need gas for their car? Well, you remember when you’re on a bridge for more than 10 miles.

 

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So if you plan to visit Florida, be prepared to test your driving limits. And if you live in Florida, I’m so sorry for having no patience left anymore.

– God speed and good luck –

xOx

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Humor, meme, social life, Twentsomethings, Uncategorized

8 Things You Know You’ve Done

You know you’ve done each and every one of these things. Don’t lie to yourself. Or me.

  1. Slowing down as you are passing a cop with radar hoping the radar only catches your speed when you literally right in front of the police car
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  2. Drinking cold water after burning your tongue or throat hoping it would un-burn you
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  3. Trying to delete a text while it’s still sending in hopes that stops it from going through
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  4. Eating an entire pizza by yourself and immediately start walking around to attempt to freeze the calories in time
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  5. Punching someone in the neck while going in for a hug because you couldn’t figure out whose arms were going on top
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  6. Paying your credit card frantically hoping that every minute you save you don’t get the full interest.
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  7. Tearing the grocery bag, giving yourself a hernia, and popping a blood vessel in your face while you struggle to make only one trip up the stairs after shopping
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  8. Watering your plant after it has already turned yellow-brown…it can come back from this, right?
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Filed under GIF, GIFs, Humor, meme, Post Grad, Post Grad Life, Post Grad Problems, Student, Twentsomethings, Twentysomethings, Uncategorized

It’s Not December

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So last time I checked, November comes after October….not December.

I get Christmas is exciting, decorating a giant tree with strings of popcorn, greedily awaiting your presents, selectively recalling the actual meaning of the holiday, and eating the cookies you set out for a man, who will never appear (sorry to have to tell you that). But why does that mean Thanksgiving should be tossed aside and forgotten, like that gift grandma got you?

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It is said the original Thanksgiving may not have been as happy as we would like to portray it, but its representation is real and something to keep alive. It’s a day that reminds us what we need to be thankful for. It’s a day to test our patience. It’s a day to ruin our dieting plans.

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What’s better than gorging on massive amounts of carbs and turkey? I mean, who really needs to go on a diet? This ONE day won’t make you explode. It will make your pants explode right off you, but you won’t be harmed…much.

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You are killing the soul of many out in the world, who actually look forward to Thanksgiving, by just skipping right over it like you skip over the salad portion of the meal. You are the reason my soul is crushed. Plus you’re apparently killing reindeer, too.

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So this is a call to action to remember the fallen turkeys. Remember the lost holidays that Hallmark didn’t create.

Bring back Thanksgiving at full force!

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Filed under christmas, holiday, Humor, meme, thanksgiving

7 Thoughts Starting a New Job

Now that you have graduated, starting a new job is a lot harder than you think. Some of us have to work jobs made for high schoolers, in fact some of your supervisors could be younger than you. Some of us have to work meaningless jobs at the lowest level possible. Some of us will get jobs that put us way in over our head. Others will have jobs that make us question our entire life so far. However, there are 7 thoughts that will go through your head when you start this new job after undergrad. Whatever the level of the work, intern or career, you will have these thoughts and probably some of these facial expressions, too.

First, it may not be the prettiest job in the world, but it will pay the bills…kind of.

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Second, you will forget what it is like to have major responsibilities

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Third, you will be so over the cliques already in place at your workplace. 

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Fourth, you will realize you don’t care to make new friends.

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Fifth, you will realize no amount of money is enough for you at this point.

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Sixth, the drive to work will be really dreadful and no music can help. 

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Seventh, you will be so jealous of the young, hopeful interns and realize how uncool you are now.

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Filed under GIFs, Graduates, Humor, Jobs, Post Grad, Twentysomethings, Work Life