Tag Archives: humor

Types of: Coffee Drinkers

Happy #NationalCoffeeDay!

There are many varieties of coffee, coffee-hings, and coffee drinkers. To celebrate this glorious, caffeinated day, I want to share the different types of coffee drinkers out there. Which are you?

 

1. The Aristocrat 

This person sips lattes that have fancy designs in the foam and some spices sprinkled dramatically one top. Coffee is only served in a white mug on top of a white plate and must be drank with one pinky finger extended. Stay away from me, peasants.

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2. The Businessperson

This person has more to-go cups in their car than they do gas in the tank. I mean, who can really get through a work day without coffee? And they totally judge people at the office, who don’t have coffee on their desk.

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3. The Brit

This person doesn’t drink coffee and makes sure to announce that at least once a day. I mean, it’s so bad for you. We know you don’t drink coffee, Karen, but cocaine is worse so I win.

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4. The Neurotic One

This person has SO much coffee in their body at all times that they start to prove science wrong that people need water to survive. It’s basically just brown water with an extra kick, anyway, right? #sohealthy

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5. The Gibbs

This person drinks black coffee only. No cream. No sugar. No cup. Just straight  black coffee. They regularly call out those who put other things in their coffee. I’m sorry if I don’t want to drink acidic mud.

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6. The Sorority Girl

This person drinks only Starbucks coffee. Coffee is Starbucks and Starbucks is coffee. Naked, green mermaid for lyfe.

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7. The College Student

This person can be combined with any of the above, but the difference is that this person did not ever drink coffee until their first college exam. That was the end of all innocence. I just want to go back…

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Comment below which coffee drinker is you!

Until next time

xOx

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Expectation vs. RL: Fall

It’s finally officially fall, which means a lot of raw emotions. New flavors at Starbucks, new candle scents from Yankee Candles, re-decorating your home in burnt orange and leaves, and finally SCARF and BOOT wardrobe combos.

But, like everything, the autumn we have made up in our minds will be a little off from reality. So, please enjoy this next segment of Expectation vs. Reality!

 

1. Drinks

Expectation: Warm, comforting drinks that both taste like and smell like fall

Reality: PSL’s haunt your Starbucks stops, your work encounters, your social media, your friendships, your nightmares….

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2. Fashion

Expectation: Skinny jeans with knee-high boots and the cutest scarf

Reality: Sweatshirts… every… day…

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3. Holiday Cooking

Expectation: Successfully trying out new recipes you found in Southern Living

Reality: Burning the potatoes….even if that’s not even possible

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4. Thanksgiving 

Expectation: Worked out months before and only eat small portions

Reality: Gained ten pounds after the first round of Thanksgiving, then you go for seconds

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5. Decorations

Expectation: Jack-o-Lanterns, candles, a new door mat, and maybe even a cornucopia

Reality:  You’re a poor millennial, so you are forced to be creative

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6. Cozy Nights In

Expectation: The fire crackling, chai tea breweing, and the Hallmark Channel

Reality: You watch Hocus Pocus on replay, by yourself

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Happy #FirstDayofFall!

Until next time

xOx

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Expectation vs. RL: Single Adulting

We have all been (or still are) that single friend. You know how people say that each day brings new surprises? Well for the single adults, those new surprises consist of who is engaged or pregnant.

 

Friday Nights

Expectation: Girls night!

Reality: Girls Plus Ones night!

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Social Media Stalking

Expectation: Everyone is worse off than you and are horrible at life… ha ha

Reality: Diamond rings galore

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Waking Up Every Morning

Expectation: Arms wrapped around a sexy companion

Reality: Retainer wrapped around your hair

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Party Invites

Expectation: Someone’s birthday on a yacht or in a rented out bar

Reality: the two BS’s: bridal shower or baby shower

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Bar Scene

Expectation: Lots of attractive people milling around, sipping their cocktails and charming it up

Reality: Lots of couples clinging to each other

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Reunions with High School Friends

Expectation: Laughing about all the stupid things you did together and gossip about old classmates

Reality: You go through a list of everyone who got engaged in the last couple months or who now has a billion kids…gross

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Holidays

Expectation: Party after party with spiked eggnog after spiked eggnog and ugly sweaters that are actually sexy sweaters

Reality: Dodging questions from your relatives about your [lack of] love life

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Mouse, Spouse, Whatever Challenge

I was challenged by popular demand (so, no one) to post pictures of my spouse, I mean cat, for seven days to promote love and fur balls.

Instead of seven days, here are seven pictures because ain’t nobody got time for that.

And honestly, this challenge is basically a way to re-post your most flattering photos with a significant other and nothing else.

 

Day 1: We share a hatred of selfies

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Day 2: We both love to lay around and dream of food

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Day 3: Speaking of food, we both don’t share well

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Day 4: We both incessantly judge people

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Day 5: We both hate having to dress up for holiday parties

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Day 6: We liked to pretend we workout a lot but secretly just lay on the mats at the gym texting

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Day 7: We accept that we are stuck being single, I mean together, forever

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Happy #internationalcatday and #spousechallenge everyone 😉

REMEMBER: ADOPT FUR BABIES

SAVE A LIFE DON’T BREED A LIFE

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Expectation vs. RL: Work

Graduation comes and goes, everyone is happy, everything is confetti-filled and sparkly, hugs and gifts come pouring in from family, and loads of pictures are taken. Then, it’s on to the real rat race. We go into the job search pretty optimistically; I mean, we do have a bachelor’s degree that cost us thousands of dollars, right? So, it can’t be that hard. Every employer will want us, young, educated millennial beauts.

 

The Job Search

Expectation: Quick look online shows 100+ jobs perfectly matched with your skill set

Reality: Zero jobs open, nothing requires the skills you possess, and no one wants you as an intern anymore

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Job Descriptions

Expectation: All with a Bachelor’s degree in (your field of interest) welcome to apply!

Reality: Master’s degree plus 3 – 5 years of experience required for a janitor position

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Jobs Open to Apply

Expectation: “Great hours, all holidays off, pay is competitive, your time is valuable”

Reality: Below entry level, pay is worse than at McDonalds, and your boss is younger than you, so you are wasetfully over-qualified

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Interview

Expectation: Friendly employer, who casually converses with you, keeps you at ease the whole time, and asks if you meet specific qualifications

Reality: A couple of mid-level bosses with blank stares make a psychiatric evaluation of you: what are your weaknesses, where do you see yourself in 10 years, what could you bring to a team?

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Work Environment

Expectations: Fun and casual fellow millennial coworkers, who are all dressed in the latest Banana Republic styles

Reality: Your coworkers are all super aged, and they just complain about their high-school aged kids and insurance

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Week Nights

Expectations: Going out with your coworkers and trying out a different fun bar every Thursday

Reality: Drive home half asleep at 6:00pm and pop your dinner in the microwave

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Weekends

Expectations: Plenty of time for fun and adventures now that you don’t have schoolwork piled up like in undergrad (everyone remembers those cram-filled Sunday afternoons that involved studying and writing papers simultaneously)

Reality: Sleep….because it’s free, and you can’t afford to go on any adventures

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The Actual Work

Expectations: Fun, creative projects that will change the company and propel you upward to promotion after promotion

Reality: Lots of graphs, paperwork, and stapling

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Keep an eye out for the next installment of Expectation vs. Reality!

xOx

 

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Expectation vs. RL: Dating in Postgrad

Everyone knows the postgrad life is not exactly what we imagined….or what we had mentally and emotionally prepared ourselves for; so, this segment of Expectation vs. Real Life will focus on the dating scene and what to actually expect. It is not at all like the Disney suggested. Although, those princesses were basically pre-teens, so I guess we should have already accepted that we missed our prince charming.

Friday Nights

Expected: Going out every week and flirting the night away with your large group of friends

Reality: Getting home from work and barely being able to make it to the couch to turn on Netflix

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Dating Apps

Expectation: Mutually swiping right for a select few compatible mates

Reality: Aggressively swiping right for everyone because you are desperate and no one swipes back

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Flirting

Expectation: Professional, confident, likable, and cute

Reality: Completely oblivious to everything because it’s been so long and you are totally behind the times

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Compatibility

Expectation: Opposites attract, like-forces attract, you can make anything work

Reality: Anything and everything that is just a little bit different between you two is a GIANT pet-peeve

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Meeting “The One”

Expectation: Some adorable, romantic, once-in-a-lifetime moment

Reality: Making a pact as children to be stuck marrying each other if you weren’t married by 30

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First Dates

Expectation: Romantic, unique adventure that ends with staring up at the stars

Reality: Typical chain restaurant that ends with you two walking separately back to your car

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Date Conversations

Expectation: Cute and sexy 20-questions

Reality: Complaining about loans, lack of money, a horrible job, and life as a twentysomething

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Social Media

Expectation: Candid photos showing how in love you both are, whilst showing off how much fun you are having in life

Reality: Continuous and unappealing selfies that make you two look more like a mess than anything else

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Have anymore expectation vs. real life dating scenarios? Comment below!

xOx

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Shark Bait Hoo Ha Ha

In case you were not aware, Shark Week 2016 is already halfway over. Only 4 more nights of terrifying yet captivating television until Scandal comes back in the fall.

Here are some mid-week facts to fuel your shark interest:

 

  1. Sharks mature very slowly

A whopping 12-15 years actually, which may be quick to humankind (especially for males…), but it is pretty delayed compared to other animals.

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  1. Tiger Shark embryos eat one another in the womb

And then it starts eating the unfertilized eggs in its mother. Talk about tough sibling competition.

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  1. If you are being chased by a shark, pray it’s a Whale Shark

Sounds horrible, whale + shark = gianormous; but, these big guys swim away from humans. They do not have time to chase dummies like us.

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  1. Not a Whale Shark after you? Then, next hope for a Greenland Shark.

It’s rare to find this shark since it lives in freezing waters, BUT it is the slowest moving “fish” ever recorded. So there’s that.

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  1. It estimated that 270,000 sharks are killed daily

One article found this number through conservation organizations’ research. It may seem good news to us, but it is very bad for shark populations and survival.

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  1. They can’t be bony

That is because they do not have bones. Sharks are just giant blobs of cartilage.

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  1. Respect your elders

Sharks were around before dinosaurs, so I would say it’s smart to just steer clear and let them do their thang.

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  1. Rough bedroom role playing

Female sharks have tougher/thicker skin because males tend to bite while mating.

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“You went too far this time, Jim.”

 

  1. Keep sharks in the wild

Captive female sharks can reproduce without a male’s assistance… yes, cloning. What’s scarier than a shark? A cloning shark.

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  1. Out of balance

Multiple species of sharks and rays are near endangerment, which can severely impact the balance of life under the sea. Head to WWF to learn more.

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 Want more random, fun facts to out-smart your coworkers and friends?

Check more out here.

#SharkWeek #SharkWeek2016

xOx

 

 

 

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#NationalBestFriendDay Post-Grad Style

The idea of our “best friend” has evolved as awkwardly as we have since childhood: there are many phases of best friends and many types of BFFs. Some stay with us since childhood and others we are lucky enough to pick up along the way.

We have gone from the best friend, who we played make-believe games with as toddlers.

To the BBFLs in elementary school, who we tried new sports with and pretended we were “big kids.”

To the best friends in middle school, who we mutually helped get through the inexplicable awkwardness of 6th-8th grade.

To the best friends in high school, who we acted like pure fools with and thought we could handle a lot more than we actually could.

To the sistas (or bros) in college, who we cried in front of, who knew our secrets, who tested our limits, and who struggled hard with us.

To the current besties in our post-grad life. They are a special kind of best friend. There are different life experiences to explore, different stories to tell, different problems to tackle.

Here are the types of best-friend-moments you will have in your post grad, adult-like life:

 

1. “Going Out” means going out the door (only slightly) to get the pizza delivery 

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2. “Girls Nights” are more like laying on the couch (or floor) and just complaining 

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3. “Shopping Days” are when you run into each other at the grocery store and can both only afford a maximum of 6 items

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4. “Movie Nights” are Netflix marathons that turn into weekend-long endeavors 

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5. “Drinks Night” consist of getting all dressed and ready, only to realize it’s already 9:30pm and close to bedtime, so you stay in and drink cheap wine from a bag instead

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6. “Adventures” are more like finding a new, trendy place to eat that is all over social media and pretending you are “cool” or whatever that is these days

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7. “Gossip” is more like pulling up the Facebook accounts of old high school peers and either 1)laughing until you snort or 2) punching the computer screen 

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8. “Laughing-fits” are when you both realize that you have nothing going for you LOLOLololo…. 

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9. Text conversations are just sending each other memes about your day or sending Buzzfeed posts that are scarily-accurate of your current struggles

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10. Birthdays are more like a set actual nights out that you force each other to do 

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So happy National Best Friends Day 2016, you poor kids!

xOx

 

 

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A World with Prez Trump

Can you imagine a world with a president that has a some orange thing living on its head? What could our country look like? Here is a possible small glimpse…

 

1. Equal rights will have taken twenty steps backward

I mean women have periods, so we should definitely be treated differently. And allowing KKK members to be at your rallies definitely isn’t disgusting. A nation with Trump as our Commander in Chief will be one of great tension. It would be a time of recessive not progressive movements. Forget equal pay for women. That is a visionary idea of the past, and it is over now. Bye bye.

 

2. [minor] Violence will be socially accepted

Someone flips you the bird anywhere and you have the right to punch them out cold, apparently. It is totally fine to verbalize your desire to have someone leave the room in the stretcher.  It is also acceptable to make fun of people with disabilities. Basically, no morals is the new norm.
3. What is “of the people, by the people, for the people”? 

This presidency is the first of its kind: public good is not part of his agenda. He’s a businessman, not a politician. He does not work for the lower-socioeconomic-status citizens. Lower to middle class citizens will be left in the dust. He has no sense of doing “good” for others. New laws will be catered toward the already fortunate. It will be like “Divergent” with the middle and lower class being Abnegation and Trump and his followers will think they are Erudite…

 

4. Ten economic recessions and four economic depressions later…

He has been bankrupt how many times in his career? And, we want him in charge of our nation’s economy….it makes sense if you don’t think about it. The 2003 recession was bad…but imagine in a few years after president Trump in charge….our economy would be worse than Greece’s. Our economy is already starting to panic: people threatening to move, trade with our neighbors will be cut off from the giant wall, and we will all be bankrupt.

 

5. We will have few allies and little respect, as a country 

Trump literally talks down about anyone in his radar. How could he ever maintain international relations?  He won’t. So, basically traveling to any country will result in us hanging our heads and staying silent…or learning to fake an awesome accent.

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6. America will be as divided as it was in the 1860s 

The Republican party is already split because of this man, and just imagine the stressful divides if he becomes president. The KKK think it is gaining popularity again since Trump has not publicly denied connections to them (or a member of theirs). People are violently protesting at political rallies, which are supposed to be more of a peaceful grassroots speech. The partisan divide will be even greater. What comes from so many cracks and fissures?  Earthquakes.

 

xOx

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Leap Year Shenanigans

WOO we get an extra day this year. An entire 24-hours to do anything you would like. A freebie day. A second chance. An actual birthday for some of you.

What are you going to this fine day of February 29th?

Work. Because it is a DANG MONDAY.

Not only will you work (or go to class) but it is a Monday on top of all of this. We get to waste our special extra day on the worst day of the week. Our 366th day is wasted on hating the world.

But if you’re going to sit there on an extra day of the year, you may as well know a few interesting facts about it.

Here’s what you did not know about Leap Year:

1. It takes the earth a little bit less than 365 ¼ days (365.242 days) to orbit the Sun (solar year). For this reason, the full day is only added once every four years. Gross, math. blog1

 

2. Women are [allowed or] encouraged to propose to men on Leap Year…guess it’s good luck or something? So, in other words, Leap Year is a feminist holiday.

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3. There is a 1 in 1,461 chance a child will be born on Leap Year. So if you’re a Leapling, you should probably never gamble. 

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4. People with annual or fixed salaries actually don’t get paid for the extra day…work for free? No thank you. Power to the unemployed post-grads!

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5.  Two important things happen every year there is a Leap Year: a presidential election and the summer Olympics. We have an extra day to watch the shenanigans of election season; aren’t we lucky?! 

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