A Guide to the Super Bowl

It’s that yearly event where men put on helmets and chase a ball down the field, and we have to pretend we actually care. Here’s a guide to help those, who don’t really care, get through the night. Here’s what to expect and how to deal with it.

 

1. Look up who’s playing

It’s an über American team from New England and some vicious birds from Atlanta.

 

2. This is Superbowl LI

Which means “Losers Involved” – jk it’s for 51….as in the 51st game…how did we make it this far?

 

3. Learn some quick facts about the past games

Learn what Deflate Gate is… Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds…deflated egos…

New England has been in it 8 times already (greedy bastards) and Atlanta has only been in it once before (so sad).

 

 

4. Plan your party

Aka: Find the best, most carb-packed recipes you can.

 

5. Alcohol, lots of alcohol which can help pass the time

Normally, one does not promote drinking, but in this case it’s the only thing to help you get through football

 

6. Don’t talk during the commercials

Talking during the game is fine, in fact go ahead and chat it up. But, as soon as the commercials come on you betta shut da heck up.

 

7. The half-time show is “The World’s Biggest Stage”

And Lady Gaga will be singing so get your crazy ready.

 

8. Who do you want to win?

Honestly, don’t care. The red/white/blue team or the black/red team. Personally, black is quite fashionable and slimming, so I’m going to go with them.

 

 

Good luck and may your weight gain not be as dramatic as it feels

xOx

Super Bowl 50 – Commercial Highlights

We all know the Super Bowl is full of friends, competition, food and drunkenness, BUT the most important part is definitely the commercials. 

Just go on Facebook and see how many of your friends wrote this exact status: “I just watch the Super Bowl for the commercials”

Okay. Thanks for sharing, friend. 

Anyway, if you missed the Super Bowl becuase you live under a rock somewhere far, far away or you are just too stubborn to admit you actually want to watch it, here are the commercial highlights you need to know about. 
1- Mountain Dew’s new energy drink 

The Puppy-Monkey-Baby was beyond terrifying. The legs of a baby, the body of a monkey, and the face of a pug. I will not sleep soundly tonight. However, I would like to know which manager was drunk or high enough to let that advertisemt slide. Also, not noted in the commercial, that thing is the main character of the next horror film coming to theaters soon. 

  

2- Super Bowl Babies

Having the children conceived from a Super Bowl victory is an odd image to showcase. Those kids are going to grow up hating their parents both for making them be in that commercial and for being conceived over a football game. And, it really makes me look at my friends with November birthdays differently…  Casual conversation,  so what is your parents’ favorite football team? 

  

3- MATT DAMON 

Jason Bourne is back. And Mr. Damon is looking sexier than ever. That salt and pepper ‘do is working for him and every woman in the world. Right when you thought he was out of commission, Bourne is back to kick butt and hopefully take off his shirt a couple of times. 

  

4- OIC is a serious concern 

Opioid-Induced Constaptation. Now we know why that druggy coworker is always cranky, he can’t poop! It’s also a great way for parents to know what’s going on with their children: Have you gone to the bathroom lately? No….. I knew you were using drugs! Symptoms include every general symptom for the common cold, the flu, indigestion, a pulled muscles, and a sprained finger. But you may also not have any symptoms! So it’s basically still unknown. 

  

5- Doritos in general 

Doritos left us wondering if we were impressed or severely grossed out. From the baby flinging himself out of his mother’s womb and the three dogs dressing up as a human to buy chips at the store, we can only question the age of those creating these ads. (18 year old males, right?)

   

 

6- Heinz 

All those wiener dogs dressed as hot dogs. Enough said. 

  

7- Hyundai and Ryan Reynolds

Talk about unrealistic, who could actually keep driving without crashing her car after seeing not one, but a dozen, Ryan Reynolds?! Obviously fake. [Note: fakeness has nothing to do with the fact that there were multiple Ryans]

  

[I’ll add good ones as they play]

xOX