If Social Media Were People

If social media platforms were people, they would be quite the crowd. Not necessarily a bad crowd but a weird one. Like Friends, they all just go together somehow.

 

1. Facebook – The Parent

Facebook has slowly turned into “remember the time…” or “read this important article to save your life…” or “I just ate a burger LOL”. It’s a platform to brag about stuff you’ve accomplished or to educate your peers – so, lots of reading. Facebook, like a parent, lets you know when something important is happening or when someone’s birthday is coming up.

2. Instagram – The Hipster

Instagram is the gypsy, the hipster, the photographer, the adventurer person of the group. AKA – the millennial. But still, this is the person who looks like they party all day, travel every weekend, and eat loads of calories but is still stick-thin. The artsty platform is a nice visual break from the other social media platforms in the bunch but is also super far from realistic.

 

3. Snapchat – The Teen

OMG so many selfies. It’s the traditional teenager – all about me (the selfies), even when it’s a dangerous circumstance (like driving), with the attention-span of a fly. It’s the teen, who doesn’t know who they want to be. Snapchat added the “chatting feature” so maybe it’s iMessage now? And then, it added the playback feature, so maybe it’s like YouTube a little? Then, you could save the photos, so it wanted to be like Facebook. It just doesn’t know it’s own identity and is really freaking out about it.

 

4. Twitter – The Professor

This is the archaic person of the group, who stubbornly refuses to accept the changes of the world. Twitter is for the elite social media-er, though, because it requires a certain skill to condense your rants and comedic thoughts into just 140 characters. It takes patience, trial and error. This person of the group is the one you want around when you have major decisions to make.

 

5. LinkedIn – The Salesman

LinkedIn is the annoying talker of the group, who tries to motivate everyone to be “a better person” and “strive for excellence” but instead just gets on everyone’s nerves. This person tries to be part of the cool crowd but just didn’t quite make the cut. But it’s also the one that makes you feel the oldest and guilts you into being responsible. Gross.

 

6. Tumblr – The Extra

Tumblr is the most confusing one in the group. It’s not really sure if it’s cool or not, but people seem to all know who it is. Is it for photos? Or memes? Or words? We may never really know. Basically, it’s the person you call when  you have no other friends free to hang with, but then it ends up being the best night ever. They are humorously insightful.

 

7. Pinterest – The Grandma

Pinterest is the cool grandma, though. The one, who knows how to fatten you up when you visit her. The one who teaches you useful things and has the best tips for keeping your life and space organized. The one who saves you more times than you care to admit (how to cook a turkey, how to clean mold, what to use for a fork for, etc.).

 

8. WordPress – The Ranter

This is the person who complains about everything (esp life as a twenty-something…). WordPress is the space for chastising the world, for enlightening others, to write about anything and everything no matter how stupid and minute it is. Sometimes these people are funny or even make a good point, but usually the majority of ranters are wasting your time.

 

Wow, what a sexy group of people we have here! Which one are you? Obviously, I’m the WordPress Ranter. You’re welcome for wasting your time.

xOx

 

 

 

What NOT to Say to 20-Somethings

We get it. We should have more of our life put together. We know “at my age I was working full-time and raising a family already,” mom. And we know “at my age I had ten kids already and a house to take care of,” grandma. But guess what? It’s not the 1900s anymore, so society tells us we don’t need to be doing that right now!

Some things are just out of our control, though. I mean, we can’t help that there are too many people on this planet. We can’t help that since Social Security sucks so much, more old people are staying in the workforce. We can’t help that there are a million college degrees to chose from and no one helps us choose a practical one. We can’t help that money doesn’t grow on trees.

There are seven things that you just really shouldn’t tell (or ask) a 20-something, in general:

1.”You should find a company that offers good benefits to its employees.”

What’s wrong: First, finding ANY job would be a good start. And second, DUH, of course we need benefits; as much as the Airborne commercials claim, it won’t save you from much…like your failing vision or alcoholism.

 

2. “When do you think you’ll settle down?”

What’s wrong: First, “settling down” requires a place to settle down like a home, which we cannot afford. Second, why is THAT the first thing family asks us? If I knew, I’d have a ring on my finger, now wouldn’t I?

 

3. “You really shouldn’t drink so much.”

What’s wrong: For starters, we didn’t ask you. Also, if vino is BOGO, I’m buying-o.

 

4. “You should start a savings account.”

What’s wrong: One, no, I actually like to play this fun game where I use up all my money to the last penny each month. Two, to open an account you need money…and to get money you need a job…and to get a job you need experience…and to get experience you need a job…

 

5. “Just apply everywhere! Someone has to be hiring!”

What’s wrong: First, I, along with a million other recent grads are all applying simultaneously. Second, applying everywhere isn’t exactly effective because I can’t afford to live everywhere.

 

6. “Do you just sit around all day?”

What’s wrong: First, you’re assuming I sit – in fact, I lay down. Second, applying for jobs is a full-time position in itself: checking all the hiring websites each day, reading about the new position, writing a cover letter to match that position, uploading your resume only to find you STILL have to manually input all the info on the application, submitting the application, and then repeating.

 

7. “This is the time for you to find your passions.”

Although somewhat true, what’s wrong: First, you say that but you also expect us to start working ASAP. Second, you say that but you also tell us to realistically reign in our dreams and hopes.

If anything, just don’t offer us any advice because as millennials, we know everything already and are happily ignoring the truth. Thanks, bai.

xOx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being in Your 20s: Curse or Blessing?

Let’s face it, we have major ups and downs in our 20s. A lot of shit happens, both good and bad. Some of it is super ugly, lots of crying and anger. Some of it is great though, with screams and jumps and smiles wider than your face. It’s all part of the game, so we just have to learn how to live it.

Yeah, sure these things can happen to 30-year-olds, too, but we’re selfish as millennials, and it’s all about us, so we go through way more, obviously (insert sassy emoji).

So is this all actually a blessing or a curse?

Let’s take it as a curse, first. Yeah it sucks.

1. We have no money – Literally. We’re actually in the negatives, with college debt and all the online shopping we do, which leads us to yelling at ourselves for being so stupid, and then to feel better we eat a lot and shop online again.

2. Our degree is useless – Very few 20-somethings have a degree that actually gets them a job. So, you know what that means? Back to school! Or settling for the worst job you could think of…retail.

3. Moving is just an emotional nightmare – We have to move from our undergrad oasis, with many of us having to move back home. Or you have to move out of an apartment and have no prospects of where to live next, that’s always fun. But the worst circumstance is when your friends moves away (ugly crying).

4. The job hunt is the absolute worst – We spend at least a year looking for a job, and then, we find one that really sucks but we’re stuck in it. We see the 1 in 100,000 of us millennials find a cool job and sulk for days because we’re obviously not cool enough.

5. We second guess everything – Should I have graduated with that degree? Should I go to graduate school? Is there a job out there for me? Will I ever move out of my parents’ house…again? Will I ever get married? Does it matter if I ever get married? How many cats is too many? Delete social media…bring it back…delete again…bring it back…

BUT, some of the things that happen to us while we’re in our 20s are blessings (maybe in disguise but hopefully are super obvious because we don’t have to patience to figure that ish out).

1. We can still start over – It’s not too late. You can start over at any age, really, even when you’re an old geezer. It’s just easier now, especially if you have the time and the motivation and have nothing tying you down. Change your career path (I did!) or change your relationship or change your underwear…that would be a good start.

2. New people, new friends – If we have to move, or if our friends move away, then we have to take that as an opportunity to meet new people because you never know who might be your new best friend. And they might even help you find a job one day.

3. We can sharpen our skills – Now that we don’t have homework or exams anymore (given you’ve graduated), we have allllll this time to do things we like. And who knows? Maybe it will lead to a job. If you have time, don’t waste it because even if your hobbies aren’t going to rake in the dough for you, at least it’s a stress reliever for you and keeps you mentally busy.

4. We can travel – Since our friends moved away to follow their dreams, we can use that as a reason to travel and visit them! What’s better than traveling to see your best friends? Plus, it could convince your folks to help pitch in. Or just travel period: take a road trip by yourself, fly somewhere new and explore. Go before you start your job and you don’t get vacation time for like two years.

5. Focus on you – Although it may seem like most 20-somethings are married or having kids, many of us are still single. And it’s a perfect opportunity to be totally and completely selfish. Even if you’re in a relationship, try to have “You Days” anyway. It’s important to focus on ourselves because we have a long time left in these bodies and with these minds. If it’s physical, spiritual, or emotional, go out and do something for you. Work on that hot bod since you don’t have the distraction of eating all the time with your SO. It sounds uber cheesy, but go find yourself because you’re mid-30s and 40s and 50s will be much better if you do.

It all depends on how you look at it, but it’s totally fine to be down about being in your 20s. This time in our lives is important, big things happen and some might be pretty ugly. But other things will be total miracles. Chalk up the bad as lessons learned and something checked off the list, and stay sarcastic…I mean hopeful…and everything will be just fine.

Promise.

 

 

Until next time,

xOx

 

 

 

2017 Predictions

We all know that 2016 is ending (hallelujah) and 2017 is a mere wink away (can it really get worse?). We also all know that Buzzfeed quizzes are like the internet and can’t lie to us. Thus, I took all the quizzes to find out what 2017 will bring for me. Four relationship quizzes and one general quiz… no I’m no desperate, I’m just interested in knowing my future right now.

Here’s what my 2017 is going to shape up to look like. It’s a pretty crowded year, so I better start saving money and planning! I’ll be back in December 2017 to tell you how accurate all of this is… because obviously it will all be true.

 

1. I’ll FINALLY lower my standards…I mean find someone.

 

2. Not only will I definitely be in a relationship (c’mon, got that result three times) but he’ll pop the question!

 

3. Oh god, I’ll have to plan a wedding in less than a year. Mom? Dad? You ever rob a bank?

Take some of the quizzes here: Food or Relationship or Future

 

I’ll repost in a year and let you know how (in)accurate these results are!

 

Happy 2017, y’all

 

 

What We Really Want for Christmas

It’s that time of year again that requires you to buy everyone, who you’ve ever crossed paths with, a gift. And your family repeatedly asks for what you want as a present.

The truth is, what we really actually want, no one can buy for us.

 

1. Calorie-less food that doesn’t taste like vegetables

 

2. Money (like a lot)

 

3. A job that doesn’t suck…well, maybe just a job will work

 

4. A re-do on the whole election thing

 

5. The ability to be socially chill around our crushes

 

6. The chance to erase our middle school years

T-Minus 31 Days…

…to panic because 2016 will soon be over. Holy failed bucket list for the second decade in a row. How is it that 11 months can go by so quickly? And how is it that I am such a procrastinator? [I planned on writing this days ago and look what I’m doing now]

 

Every year we make the Great List of To Dos and every year we get maybe two marked off, which are typically the “go to gym” (went twice this year #crushedit) and “save money” (got enough stars at Starbucks for a free drink #doublecrushedit). But, everything else still has yet to be crossed out as per usual.

 

My question is: why do we set such high standards for ourselves? Here are a few reasons why we don’t get things marked off our bucket list:

 

1. We’re poor

 

2. We truly have zero motivation

 

3. It takes too much time to plan things

 

4. “Find a Significant Other” never counts

 

5. We don’t write down realistic things

6. We aren’t honest with ourselves

 

Until next time, 

xOx

 

Phases of Thanksgiving-Prep

We all know what this time of year means: time to get FAT. We aren’t even shameful about it. We know it’s coming, and we have totally accepted it. As we approach the last week until doomsday, we have to mentally, physically, and emotionally prepare ourselves for Thanksgiving dinner.

 

Phase One: Stretching

….because we all know that eating such massive amounts of food requires agile bodies.

 

Phase Two: Practice the Stare Down

…because grandma doesn’t stand a chance, and you will get that last scoop of stuffing.

 

 

Phase Three: Mind Games

….because like they always say “mind over matter” and you can’t gain weight if your mind isn’t in it.

 

Phase Four: House Prep

…because all the mirrors need to be covered and scales tucked far, far away.

 

Phase Five: Social Media Cleanse

…because we need to post all our skinny photos now and just hide from Instagram and Facebook for the next couple weeks after gorging on turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and miscellaneous carbs.

 

The ABCs of the Election

26 thoughts we all really have about this election.

 

A – Alright, alright, alright let’s finish this thing already – The Great Matthew McConaughey

 

B – “Bad Hombres “the next phrase to be bleeped from TV  

 

C – Can I like fall asleep for the next 24 hours?

D – Dumbledore for Prez 2016 

E – Election Season is equivalent to stabbing your ears over and over

F – { f-word goes here }

G – GO VOTE

H – Hillary or Kate McKinnon? Both!

I – I just can’t talk to people anymore

J – Judging the debates was like TurnItIn.com checking your last minute paper = 90% plagiarized  

K – Knope for Prez 2016

L – LOL

M – My god, how many crazy people do we have living in the U.S.? Millions, apparently

N – Nasty women

O – Obama and Biden’s bromance will be greatly missed

P – President = the Face of America, not the Carrot with a Dead Thing on His Head of America

Q – “Quit while you’re ahead” is the only piece of advice Trump should have taken

R – Racism because society was trying to be better, and then a candidate had support from the KKK at one point

S – Shut up, stop saying racist/sexist/inaccurate things, stop trying to convince me to vote for someone, stop talking

T – Trump being a thing is still a prank, right? Good one

U – Ugly women are safe from Trump, thank God for bad genes

V – “Voted” sticker pics all over your social media

W – Write in a stupid name as a joke and you’re dead to me

X – X the box of your ballot instead of fully coloring it in like the tiny diagram says to and you’re also dead to me

Y – Yes, we can!…Get together and cry after the election

Z – Zoos have less BS than this election  

Types of: Drivers

Driving can be fun, but more than likely, it will be stressful and make you a mentally aggressive person. There will be many eye rolls, many fingers in the air, and many heart attacks. It’s just a fact of life when it comes to having your driver’s license. What  kind of driver are you?

1. The Hail-Mary-er

This driver is sporadic. Out of nowhere they change lanes, or take a right-hand turn from the left lane. They may even disregard the light and go on red when the turn light is green. And “oops” may not even be said. Also, if you are in the car with this type of driver, you will probably hear the GPS saying “Make A U-Turn” over and over.

 

2. The Taxi Cab

This driver changes lanes to pass every car in front of him or her. All it does is make more work for the driver and he/she only really gets a few paces in front of you. Not even an ambulance, which has the absolute right to, drives this rudely. This driver’s car is either an expensive sports car or a 1990s model with no hubcaps.

 

3. The Matrix

This person drives at the speed of those bullets in The Matrix, literally a snail can pass you up. You can actually get a ticket for going slow, you know that right? Also, the speed limit is sort of a guideline of the proper speed on that road. Going ten under will get you in an accident (probably caused by The Taxi Cab driver).

 

4. The Grandparent

This driver is used to a horse-and-buggy, not a car. You must be patient…but also loud. It is totally okay to lay on your horn for this person, mostly because they won’t even know you are there otherwise. The grandparent stops a mile behind the car in front of them at a red light, leans so far over the steering wheel to see that they move the car with their collarbone, and drives a boat, essentially.

5. The Soul-Crusher

This person literally does ONE thing that every one and their mother hates: parks over the line. I COULD HAVE FIT.

 

6. The Panicker

This driver brakes wayyyyyyy far back from the red light and then slowly comes to a stop that has taken them five minutes. When cars in the lane next to them look suspicious, they tap that brake faster than Taylor Swift tapped Tom Hiddleston after Calvin Harris.

 

 

Until Next Time

xOx

Things That Were Before Trump2016 Was

Life used to be different, the crazy was hidden and people were manageable. But that all changed when the 2016 election started. Remember the good ‘ol days of 2014? Ah, such peace of mind and innocence. Here are 9 things that weren’t things before Trump 2016 was a thing:

  

1.  My mom always told me not to judge a book by its cover, but then someone in a Trump t-shirt walked by and she said forget anything I ever told you                            
2. Asia used to have a country called ‘China’, but now there is only ‘Jina’ and many illiterate children                                                           
3. People used to support POWs and veterans with PTSD, but now people support a candidate that says “it’s a POWs fault for getting caught” and “veterans with PTSD just couldn’t handle it” #notokay            
4. The crazies were hidden among us and naiviety was great, but now the crazies are making themselves known                                                                                        
5. Men use to wear toupées, but now they wear bleached dead animals on their heads                                 
6. Fencing companies used to be an actual business, but now there is only one man for that job: “nobody builds walls better than me”                                                                            
7. The election used to be a serious race between two qualified candidates, but now it’s a reality TV show where people text their votes in                                                          
8. It used to just be ‘body shaming’, but now it’s female-shaming                                                       
9. We used to be a melting pot society, but now we are Germany…in the 1930s…   
  
  
And in case you missed it, check out Alec Baldwin from SNL’s opening skit this past weekend! 
Until next time, 

xOx