2017 Predictions

We all know that 2016 is ending (hallelujah) and 2017 is a mere wink away (can it really get worse?). We also all know that Buzzfeed quizzes are like the internet and can’t lie to us. Thus, I took all the quizzes to find out what 2017 will bring for me. Four relationship quizzes and one general quiz… no I’m no desperate, I’m just interested in knowing my future right now.

Here’s what my 2017 is going to shape up to look like. It’s a pretty crowded year, so I better start saving money and planning! I’ll be back in December 2017 to tell you how accurate all of this is… because obviously it will all be true.

 

1. I’ll FINALLY lower my standards…I mean find someone.

 

2. Not only will I definitely be in a relationship (c’mon, got that result three times) but he’ll pop the question!

 

3. Oh god, I’ll have to plan a wedding in less than a year. Mom? Dad? You ever rob a bank?

Take some of the quizzes here: Food or Relationship or Future

 

I’ll repost in a year and let you know how (in)accurate these results are!

 

Happy 2017, y’all

 

 

The ABCs of the Election

26 thoughts we all really have about this election.

 

A – Alright, alright, alright let’s finish this thing already – The Great Matthew McConaughey

 

B – “Bad Hombres “the next phrase to be bleeped from TV  

 

C – Can I like fall asleep for the next 24 hours?

D – Dumbledore for Prez 2016 

E – Election Season is equivalent to stabbing your ears over and over

F – { f-word goes here }

G – GO VOTE

H – Hillary or Kate McKinnon? Both!

I – I just can’t talk to people anymore

J – Judging the debates was like TurnItIn.com checking your last minute paper = 90% plagiarized  

K – Knope for Prez 2016

L – LOL

M – My god, how many crazy people do we have living in the U.S.? Millions, apparently

N – Nasty women

O – Obama and Biden’s bromance will be greatly missed

P – President = the Face of America, not the Carrot with a Dead Thing on His Head of America

Q – “Quit while you’re ahead” is the only piece of advice Trump should have taken

R – Racism because society was trying to be better, and then a candidate had support from the KKK at one point

S – Shut up, stop saying racist/sexist/inaccurate things, stop trying to convince me to vote for someone, stop talking

T – Trump being a thing is still a prank, right? Good one

U – Ugly women are safe from Trump, thank God for bad genes

V – “Voted” sticker pics all over your social media

W – Write in a stupid name as a joke and you’re dead to me

X – X the box of your ballot instead of fully coloring it in like the tiny diagram says to and you’re also dead to me

Y – Yes, we can!…Get together and cry after the election

Z – Zoos have less BS than this election  

#NationalBestFriendDay Post-Grad Style

The idea of our “best friend” has evolved as awkwardly as we have since childhood: there are many phases of best friends and many types of BFFs. Some stay with us since childhood and others we are lucky enough to pick up along the way.

We have gone from the best friend, who we played make-believe games with as toddlers.

To the BBFLs in elementary school, who we tried new sports with and pretended we were “big kids.”

To the best friends in middle school, who we mutually helped get through the inexplicable awkwardness of 6th-8th grade.

To the best friends in high school, who we acted like pure fools with and thought we could handle a lot more than we actually could.

To the sistas (or bros) in college, who we cried in front of, who knew our secrets, who tested our limits, and who struggled hard with us.

To the current besties in our post-grad life. They are a special kind of best friend. There are different life experiences to explore, different stories to tell, different problems to tackle.

Here are the types of best-friend-moments you will have in your post grad, adult-like life:

 

1. “Going Out” means going out the door (only slightly) to get the pizza delivery 

 

2. “Girls Nights” are more like laying on the couch (or floor) and just complaining 

3. “Shopping Days” are when you run into each other at the grocery store and can both only afford a maximum of 6 items

 

4. “Movie Nights” are Netflix marathons that turn into weekend-long endeavors 

 

5. “Drinks Night” consist of getting all dressed and ready, only to realize it’s already 9:30pm and close to bedtime, so you stay in and drink cheap wine from a bag instead

 

6. “Adventures” are more like finding a new, trendy place to eat that is all over social media and pretending you are “cool” or whatever that is these days

 

7. “Gossip” is more like pulling up the Facebook accounts of old high school peers and either 1)laughing until you snort or 2) punching the computer screen 

 

8. “Laughing-fits” are when you both realize that you have nothing going for you LOLOLololo…. 

9. Text conversations are just sending each other memes about your day or sending Buzzfeed posts that are scarily-accurate of your current struggles

10. Birthdays are more like a set actual nights out that you force each other to do 

 

 

So happy National Best Friends Day 2016, you poor kids!

xOx

 

 

A World with Prez Trump

Can you imagine a world with a president that has a some orange thing living on its head? What could our country look like? Here is a possible small glimpse…

 

1. Equal rights will have taken twenty steps backward

I mean women have periods, so we should definitely be treated differently. And allowing KKK members to be at your rallies definitely isn’t disgusting. A nation with Trump as our Commander in Chief will be one of great tension. It would be a time of recessive not progressive movements. Forget equal pay for women. That is a visionary idea of the past, and it is over now. Bye bye.

 

2. [minor] Violence will be socially accepted

Someone flips you the bird anywhere and you have the right to punch them out cold, apparently. It is totally fine to verbalize your desire to have someone leave the room in the stretcher.  It is also acceptable to make fun of people with disabilities. Basically, no morals is the new norm.
3. What is “of the people, by the people, for the people”? 

This presidency is the first of its kind: public good is not part of his agenda. He’s a businessman, not a politician. He does not work for the lower-socioeconomic-status citizens. Lower to middle class citizens will be left in the dust. He has no sense of doing “good” for others. New laws will be catered toward the already fortunate. It will be like “Divergent” with the middle and lower class being Abnegation and Trump and his followers will think they are Erudite…

 

4. Ten economic recessions and four economic depressions later…

He has been bankrupt how many times in his career? And, we want him in charge of our nation’s economy….it makes sense if you don’t think about it. The 2003 recession was bad…but imagine in a few years after president Trump in charge….our economy would be worse than Greece’s. Our economy is already starting to panic: people threatening to move, trade with our neighbors will be cut off from the giant wall, and we will all be bankrupt.

 

5. We will have few allies and little respect, as a country 

Trump literally talks down about anyone in his radar. How could he ever maintain international relations?  He won’t. So, basically traveling to any country will result in us hanging our heads and staying silent…or learning to fake an awesome accent.

 

6. America will be as divided as it was in the 1860s 

The Republican party is already split because of this man, and just imagine the stressful divides if he becomes president. The KKK think it is gaining popularity again since Trump has not publicly denied connections to them (or a member of theirs). People are violently protesting at political rallies, which are supposed to be more of a peaceful grassroots speech. The partisan divide will be even greater. What comes from so many cracks and fissures?  Earthquakes.

 

xOx

Finally the End Begins – Iowa

Tonight marks the start of the beginning of the end. The Iowa Caucus has begun and that means we are finally beginning the journey to the end of this political chaos.

We all know what the candidates say on the outside; the lies and blasphemy they blurt to appease the largest group of people. But what are they really thinking? Wouldn’t it be good to know what’s going on inside? Let’s take a look at the candidates from their campaigning shenanigans this past week and see what they are actually thinking:

Hillary Clinton is really thinking: Did someone remember to put that stupid Iowa flag up? I’ve gotten really suck up to these Iowians…is that a word? Note to self: have my assistant look that up later… “Um what did you ask, again?”

 

Trump is really thinking: Mhmm, yes, yes, this is going to look GREAT to all those Evangelists. I hope someone is taking a photo of this moment. Let me purse my lips to make it look like I am actually feeling His presence. Jokes on you, Christians! 

Rubio is actually thinking: I hope no one notices me sweating. Please don’t notice, please don’t notice, please don’t…. Oh no, these spotlights are not working for me, are they?

 

Paul is actually thinking: I believe… I believe that….I believe that I can win, I believe that I can win….c’mon Rand, you got this, eyes on the prize, stand strong, you’ve got this. Best. Pep-talk. Ever.

 

Santorum is actually thinking: Ha ha ha, check it out errrrybody. Nobody knows that I pretended this was Trump while I shot. Slayed him.

 

Kasich is really thinking: Nailed that fist bump. Did anyone see that? I crushed it with a millennial. GO JOHN GO.

 

Cruz is actually think: Hehe that is tickling my ear. And that’s all he’s got going up top.  

Bush is thinking: I’m actually talking to an empty room. Luckily no one really watches me to know that, though.

O’Malley, poor guy, is thinking: This about sums it up. Only my fist makes it in focus for the photo.

Fiorina is thinking: Are the lights on? Did they not realize that I’m the guest speaker? I’m just going to keep talking straight into the souls of my audience.

 

Christie is actually thinking: Did they have to put a mirror right there? I already have two chins, now I have four thanks to those jerks…… MIRRORS ARE THE DEMISE OF SOCIETY AND THEY WILL KILL US SOMEDAY IF NO ACTION IS TAKEN.  

And, lastly, Sanders is thinking: Hey you over there, yeah, you, Mr. Ghost. I know you’re back listening to me and I will continue to point you out until everyone else sees you, too. Arg grrr ar gggg.

How to Make Decisions as an Adult

Being an adult is hard. It is just too much work, too much thinking, too many consequences. One wrong decision and BAM, everything falls apart. One wrong move and WHACK, consequences for days. Take too long to make a decision and ****! (<– I didn’t even give you the first letter, there are many options here for you)

There are many things to decide on: where to live, what career to have, what jobs to take, maybe intern first, or maybe follow your dreams first? Then, there is always the classic healthcare, taxes, income, and cat food concerns.

It is not undergrad life anymore: no easy decision on what club to go to tonight, or what hour before the exam you should start studying, or what coffee at Starbucks to walk around with…I mean drink.

But, fear no more! Here is how you will make decisions on an adult-level. There’s no time for goofing off. There’s no time for baby steps. There’s no time for time.

1. Your brain will promptly notify you of decision-overload

2. Whatever decision comes to mind first is going to be the one you choose to worry about most

3. You will realize every other decision you choose to ignore will be GREATLY affected by the one you are focusing on

4. Your brain will react to the stress by telling you that you want to watch Netflix now

5. (days later) Your brain will suddenly remind you of your decision stress at 4:12am and force you awake

6. You will drink and eat a lot in the days of your decision

7. You will go days thinking everything is fine and it will all work itself out

8. You will be forced to make a decision because you verbalized it to one person and now have to stick with it

And there you go. See? Isn’t that helpful to know?

 

Emotional Phases of College Football

If you have been dragged into the dark-pit of addictive fandom known as college football, then you know all the feelings that come with it.

Thanksgiving break means football rivalries, football take-alls, and some grand finales.

If you have not been pulled into this craze, here is a little insight into the feels of football at the collegiate level.

 

1 – Pre-Game

What better way to prepare for this American past-time than get obliterated before it even starts?  Give me some of that spiked sweet tea, please!

 

2 – Kickoff Time

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

3 – The first bad play

It’s fine. I’m totally okay. I’m just going to rub this food on my face to make sure I’m still here.

 

4 – The first bad call

Did they get these refs from pee-wee football?

 

5 – Touchdown…..for the other team

Booooooo, go home!

 

6 – TOUCHDOWN!!

I. Am. So. PUMPED.

 

7 – Half-Time

I think this is going well….

 

8 – Third quarter nerves

I don’t know, should I be excited? Maybe I should be nervous? I’m going to just keep drinking…

 

9 – Start of the fourth quarter

This is serious. No time for jokes or cheering or happiness. Silence yourselves.

 

10 – The last two minutes

Oh good, Lord, please send all your angels down to this football field and carry our players on golden wings into the end-zone.

 

11 – Game over (your team won)

SLKJDOIHNGHDLSH!!!!!!!!!!!!

or game over and your team lost

I am void of any emotion. My whole being was just stolen from me.

 

May your team always win and may the flags never be bogus.

 

 

xOx

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Done With: Driving (in FL)

Florida’s driving experience in one sentence:  Driving across a bridge for days next to a million-year-old person from ‘up North’ and running over construction cones. Welcome to the Sunshine state.

One, OLD PEOPLE.

Not only do they drive slowly, but they drive erratically. But that’s probably because they are sitting so far up in their seat that their forehead touches the windshield. One cannot properly drive if his or her chest is caved into the steering wheel. Also, old people are so short that you never know if someone is actually in the driver’s seat or not….”Maybe it’s one of those new driver-less cars!……oh no, just a hundred-year-old man again.” #disappointed

 

Second, SNOWBIRDS

What’s worse than old people all over the roadways? Snowbirds. They are old people from out of town, which means they cannot drive by default plus have an out-of-town handicap. let me define snowbirds for you: people who want to escape the cold but clog up our roads and create severe rage among Floridians. When the sign says 45MPH, it means 50MPH is the socially acceptable speed, 45MPH is the you-must-have-just-gotten-a-ticket speed, 40MPH is you’re-testing-my-patience-speed and anything else means you need to get off of the road right this second. Snowbirds always go 10MPH under the limit. Plus their sense of proper driving must completely escape their brain once they depart from their home state. Stopping traffic so you can move over 4 lanes for a right turn coming up in 2 miles IS NOT OKAY.

 

Third, CONSTRUCTION

It never ends. Probably because our state never ends. But still, once you think you’ve made it to a clearing in traffic, WHAM. It is all a cruel game the government plays with you. One moment you are cruising, peacefully above the speed limit, and then within seconds you have to completely stop and merge three lanes into one. And people wonder why one of Florida’s cities is at the top of the country’s road rage list (cough, cough Miami).

 

Fourth, WEATHER

Honestly, cars in Florida should be half boats. See when it rains, it pours. Flooding is a given between the months of June and September. But Floridians don’t stop for rain, hail, hurricanes, or anything. We’ve been through it all and nothing phases us. But what it does phase is our cars. You’d think we would learn that we stall out when the rain is up to the top of our windshields, but nope. Every time there is a wave of rain, there are a bunch of cars making their final trip to the junk yard. RIP grandma’s Lincoln Town car.

 

Lastly, BRIDGES

Florida has many long bridges because nothing is connected here. We have bodies of water everywhere, so it is nothing new to be crossing a bridge for over 15 minutes. Literally, you take a bridge from some places just to get to a grocery store or a gas station. Those warnings to check your gas tank levels are all too real. Who even remembers they need gas for their car? Well, you remember when you’re on a bridge for more than 10 miles.

 

 

So if you plan to visit Florida, be prepared to test your driving limits. And if you live in Florida, I’m so sorry for having no patience left anymore.

– God speed and good luck –

xOx

 

 

 

 

 

8 Things You Know You’ve Done

You know you’ve done each and every one of these things. Don’t lie to yourself. Or me.

1. Slowing down as you are passing a cop with radar hoping the radar only catches your speed when you literally right in front of the police car
   
2. Drinking cold water after burning your tongue or throat hoping it would un-burn you
   
3. Trying to delete a text while it’s still sending in hopes that stops it from going through
   
4. Eating an entire pizza by yourself and immediately start walking around to attempt to freeze the calories in time
   
5. Punching someone in the neck while going in for a hug because you couldn’t figure out whose arms were going on top
   
6. Paying your credit card frantically hoping that every minute you save you don’t get the full interest.
   
7. Tearing the grocery bag, giving yourself a hernia, and popping a blood vessel in your face while you struggle to make only one trip up the stairs after shopping
   
8. Watering your plant after it has already turned yellow-brown…it can come back from this, right?
   

It’s Not December

So last time I checked, November comes after October….not December.

I get Christmas is exciting, decorating a giant tree with strings of popcorn, greedily awaiting your presents, selectively recalling the actual meaning of the holiday, and eating the cookies you set out for a man, who will never appear (sorry to have to tell you that). But why does that mean Thanksgiving should be tossed aside and forgotten, like that gift grandma got you?

It is said the original Thanksgiving may not have been as happy as we would like to portray it, but its representation is real and something to keep alive. It’s a day that reminds us what we need to be thankful for. It’s a day to test our patience. It’s a day to ruin our dieting plans.

What’s better than gorging on massive amounts of carbs and turkey? I mean, who really needs to go on a diet? This ONE day won’t make you explode. It will make your pants explode right off you, but you won’t be harmed…much.

You are killing the soul of many out in the world, who actually look forward to Thanksgiving, by just skipping right over it like you skip over the salad portion of the meal. You are the reason my soul is crushed. Plus you’re apparently killing reindeer, too.

So this is a call to action to remember the fallen turkeys. Remember the lost holidays that Hallmark didn’t create.

Bring back Thanksgiving at full force!