Tag Archives: jokes

Why I actually need a boyfriend 

It is almost Valentine’s Day everyone, and we all know what that means: a day of constant reminders that we are in fact still single. Looking at all of the cute couples posting photos of their nice dinners out, flowers, champagne glasses, heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, etc., I actually only think of the practical reasons I would need a significant other. 

I mean I can buy myself a whole bottle of champagne. My mom gets me chocolates. And my dad can send me flowers….if I ask him….and then remind him again….and then again. But still, I don’t need a man for all of that. 

I don’t need a guy for anything romantic. 

Not to tell me I’m beautiful because I am…on the inside. 

Not to hold my hand because I tend to not see cracks in the sidewalk and don’t need to take both of us down. 

Not to buy me chocolates because those are always on my weekly grocery list. 

Not to watch movies with because I get way too invested in the characters and get emotional…no one needs to see me like that. 
However, what I do need a boyfriend for is…

To pay for my meals  

To kill bugs for me 
  


To clip my jewelry together

   

To pay for my Netflix subscription

  


To remind me to pay my bills 

  


To drive my places

  

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Finally the End Begins – Iowa

Tonight marks the start of the beginning of the end. The Iowa Caucus has begun and that means we are finally beginning the journey to the end of this political chaos.

We all know what the candidates say on the outside; the lies and blasphemy they blurt to appease the largest group of people. But what are they really thinking? Wouldn’t it be good to know what’s going on inside? Let’s take a look at the candidates from their campaigning shenanigans this past week and see what they are actually thinking:

Hillary Clinton is really thinking: Did someone remember to put that stupid Iowa flag up? I’ve gotten really suck up to these Iowians…is that a word? Note to self: have my assistant look that up later… “Um what did you ask, again?”

 

Trump is really thinking: Mhmm, yes, yes, this is going to look GREAT to all those Evangelists. I hope someone is taking a photo of this moment. Let me purse my lips to make it look like I am actually feeling His presence. Jokes on you, Christians! 

Rubio is actually thinking: I hope no one notices me sweating. Please don’t notice, please don’t notice, please don’t…. Oh no, these spotlights are not working for me, are they?

 

Paul is actually thinking: I believe… I believe that….I believe that I can win, I believe that I can win….c’mon Rand, you got this, eyes on the prize, stand strong, you’ve got this. Best. Pep-talk. Ever.

 

Santorum is actually thinking: Ha ha ha, check it out errrrybody. Nobody knows that I pretended this was Trump while I shot. Slayed him.

 

Kasich is really thinking: Nailed that fist bump. Did anyone see that? I crushed it with a millennial. GO JOHN GO.

 

Cruz is actually think: Hehe that is tickling my ear. And that’s all he’s got going up top.  

Bush is thinking: I’m actually talking to an empty room. Luckily no one really watches me to know that, though.

O’Malley, poor guy, is thinking: This about sums it up. Only my fist makes it in focus for the photo.

Fiorina is thinking: Are the lights on? Did they not realize that I’m the guest speaker? I’m just going to keep talking straight into the souls of my audience.

 

Christie is actually thinking: Did they have to put a mirror right there? I already have two chins, now I have four thanks to those jerks…… MIRRORS ARE THE DEMISE OF SOCIETY AND THEY WILL KILL US SOMEDAY IF NO ACTION IS TAKEN.  

And, lastly, Sanders is thinking: Hey you over there, yeah, you, Mr. Ghost. I know you’re back listening to me and I will continue to point you out until everyone else sees you, too. Arg grrr ar gggg.

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I’m Done With: Eating

On to my second segment of things I’m Done With: first, driving in Florida, and now I’m done with eating.

Not only do the holidays mean all of your money being spent, it also means all of your diet plans are out of the window. As much as you tell yourself that you will be good this year, it never happens and don’t lie to yourself. So because of that, I’m done eating …. completely.

1. I’m about to explode

Every time someone mentions it’s lunch or dinner, I just want to explode from the inside out. I’m literally on the verge of erupting at any moment. Don’t you dare try to tickle me or else mashed potatoes will spew from from my eyeballs.

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2. I hate myself

For all of you who said you ate healthy for the holidays: you are a liar and will never make it to heaven with that attitude. There is no way a person could eat healthy for the holidays or else they are not living properly. But, because I ate my holiday dinner like a normal person, I completely hate myself. I have covered all my mirrors so I don’t have to look at my shameful self. Bad self.

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3. Leftovers have a special meaning

It is not just like your typical, weekly chicken-n-rice leftovers that barely pass as edible; holiday dinner leftovers are round two [or round three for some]. It is another entire feast for the day after you gorged on food. I just want one pathetic, stingy plate of food when it’s the acceptable time to eat.

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4. I broke my own trust

I thought I could handle all of the sweets around me. I thought I had control. I thought I could stop. I thought I could say no. I thought I was stronger than that. But lo and behold, I am weak. What’s wrong with stuffing a dessert in my mouth while everyone opens presents, while we cook dinner, between every course of the meal, and after the meal?

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5. Everything is boring now

After indulging in holiday goodness, it is hard to get back to reality and even harder to get back to realistic meals….like ramen noodles and cereal. All my hopes of delicious eating have been fulfilled and were even over-satisfied, but now it is time to get back to boring meals and flavorless dishes made from the scraps in the fridge or cupboard.

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And on that note, I’m going to go finish off that tin of holiday cookies that has been calling my name as I write this post….

 

xOx

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I’m Done With: Driving (in FL)

Florida’s driving experience in one sentence:  Driving across a bridge for days next to a million-year-old person from ‘up North’ and running over construction cones. Welcome to the Sunshine state.

One, OLD PEOPLE.

Not only do they drive slowly, but they drive erratically. But that’s probably because they are sitting so far up in their seat that their forehead touches the windshield. One cannot properly drive if his or her chest is caved into the steering wheel. Also, old people are so short that you never know if someone is actually in the driver’s seat or not….”Maybe it’s one of those new driver-less cars!……oh no, just a hundred-year-old man again.” #disappointed

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Second, SNOWBIRDS

What’s worse than old people all over the roadways? Snowbirds. They are old people from out of town, which means they cannot drive by default plus have an out-of-town handicap. let me define snowbirds for you: people who want to escape the cold but clog up our roads and create severe rage among Floridians. When the sign says 45MPH, it means 50MPH is the socially acceptable speed, 45MPH is the you-must-have-just-gotten-a-ticket speed, 40MPH is you’re-testing-my-patience-speed and anything else means you need to get off of the road right this second. Snowbirds always go 10MPH under the limit. Plus their sense of proper driving must completely escape their brain once they depart from their home state. Stopping traffic so you can move over 4 lanes for a right turn coming up in 2 miles IS NOT OKAY.

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Third, CONSTRUCTION

It never ends. Probably because our state never ends. But still, once you think you’ve made it to a clearing in traffic, WHAM. It is all a cruel game the government plays with you. One moment you are cruising, peacefully above the speed limit, and then within seconds you have to completely stop and merge three lanes into one. And people wonder why one of Florida’s cities is at the top of the country’s road rage list (cough, cough Miami).

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Fourth, WEATHER

Honestly, cars in Florida should be half boats. See when it rains, it pours. Flooding is a given between the months of June and September. But Floridians don’t stop for rain, hail, hurricanes, or anything. We’ve been through it all and nothing phases us. But what it does phase is our cars. You’d think we would learn that we stall out when the rain is up to the top of our windshields, but nope. Every time there is a wave of rain, there are a bunch of cars making their final trip to the junk yard. RIP grandma’s Lincoln Town car.

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Lastly, BRIDGES

Florida has many long bridges because nothing is connected here. We have bodies of water everywhere, so it is nothing new to be crossing a bridge for over 15 minutes. Literally, you take a bridge from some places just to get to a grocery store or a gas station. Those warnings to check your gas tank levels are all too real. Who even remembers they need gas for their car? Well, you remember when you’re on a bridge for more than 10 miles.

 

IF

 

So if you plan to visit Florida, be prepared to test your driving limits. And if you live in Florida, I’m so sorry for having no patience left anymore.

– God speed and good luck –

xOx

 

 

 

 

 

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8 Things You Know You’ve Done

You know you’ve done each and every one of these things. Don’t lie to yourself. Or me.

  1. Slowing down as you are passing a cop with radar hoping the radar only catches your speed when you literally right in front of the police car
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  2. Drinking cold water after burning your tongue or throat hoping it would un-burn you
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  3. Trying to delete a text while it’s still sending in hopes that stops it from going through
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  4. Eating an entire pizza by yourself and immediately start walking around to attempt to freeze the calories in time
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  5. Punching someone in the neck while going in for a hug because you couldn’t figure out whose arms were going on top
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  6. Paying your credit card frantically hoping that every minute you save you don’t get the full interest.
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  7. Tearing the grocery bag, giving yourself a hernia, and popping a blood vessel in your face while you struggle to make only one trip up the stairs after shopping
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  8. Watering your plant after it has already turned yellow-brown…it can come back from this, right?
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It’s Not December

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So last time I checked, November comes after October….not December.

I get Christmas is exciting, decorating a giant tree with strings of popcorn, greedily awaiting your presents, selectively recalling the actual meaning of the holiday, and eating the cookies you set out for a man, who will never appear (sorry to have to tell you that). But why does that mean Thanksgiving should be tossed aside and forgotten, like that gift grandma got you?

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It is said the original Thanksgiving may not have been as happy as we would like to portray it, but its representation is real and something to keep alive. It’s a day that reminds us what we need to be thankful for. It’s a day to test our patience. It’s a day to ruin our dieting plans.

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What’s better than gorging on massive amounts of carbs and turkey? I mean, who really needs to go on a diet? This ONE day won’t make you explode. It will make your pants explode right off you, but you won’t be harmed…much.

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You are killing the soul of many out in the world, who actually look forward to Thanksgiving, by just skipping right over it like you skip over the salad portion of the meal. You are the reason my soul is crushed. Plus you’re apparently killing reindeer, too.

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So this is a call to action to remember the fallen turkeys. Remember the lost holidays that Hallmark didn’t create.

Bring back Thanksgiving at full force!

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GOP Debate Round 3

Have you stopped choking on your food yet?

This debate makes eating really hard. It also makes for a night involving a lot of “do you need some ice for that burn” moments and that little fire emoji. #ohsnap

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Adversarial doesn’t even begin to characterize this debate. Buckle up! It’s a loud ride tonight.

1. First of all, how about that answer Ted Cruz gave about the debt ceiling? How insightful and knowledgeable! I learned so much about his hate for the media, so of course I have to vote for him to handle our country’s financials!

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2. Then, we learned how Jeb and Marco really don’t have a bromance going on. Bush thinks Rubio needs to step up or step down (also the next Step Up movie subtitle) #haters

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3. I just can’t look at Trump without seeing an emoji. At least he’s a great spokesman for why to not do Botox; I’ve never seen eyebrows shot so far up someone’s forehead before.

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Donald Trump arrives to his Comedy Central Roast in New York, Wednesday, March 9, 2011. (AP Photo/Charles Sykes)

Donald Trump arrives to his Comedy Central Roast in New York, Wednesday, March 9, 2011. (AP Photo/Charles Sykes)

4. The Republican candidates LOVE the media. I mean, wow. The love is real and real deep. Cruz spent so much time talking about his hate for the media that even the media started hating themselves….. for letting him talk at all….

5. Trump doesn’t lie. All the articles that have ever been written about him are wrong. “I don’t know who’s doing the fact-checking here” said Trump….no one can figure out what side of an argument you’re going to take next, sir.

6. Wait, Mike Huckabee is still in this race? Hmm…okay.

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7. The fight for time to speak by candidates is like when children fight for the swings at recess. “It’s MY TURN!”

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8. The candidates are keeping such close tabs on each others’ time to speak that when it’s their turn to talk they forget what they stand for. They actually forget to talk about anything except how they didn’t get enough time. The last guy who complained about that didn’t have the best ending….Mr. Webb #LostTribute

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9. WAIT, CHRIS CHRISTIE IS STILL HERE? He just started talking….and it’s been an hour into the debate. I just choked (again) when his slight lisp piped up. Welcome to the debate!

10. You know who Huckabee is voting for! (Hint: It’s the orange candidate with a permanent wind-blown face)

11. Christie doesn’t like Fantasy Football talk….he just lost the votes of all males from the age 25 – 45 #sorrynotsorry

Cheers to our future!

xOx

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Things to Stop Asking Twentysomethings

We get it. We should have more of our crap together at this point in our life. The constant questioning is not going to help us figure things out, though. So get out of the interrogation room and let us be….free. We know what you really mean when you ask us things; you’re not as sly as you think, sir.

Here’s what you ask us….and here’s what we hear….

1. So…any wedding bells ringing soon?

What we hear: Are you seriously still single? You’re going to die alone, you know that right?

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2. Any exciting job offers?

What we hear: You’re going to be unemployed forever so better go pick out your box to live in.

3. How’s grad school?

What we hear: Have you failed out yet? You know that Cs don’t get degrees in grad school, right?

4. Are you living out on your own yet?

What we hear: How long will you mooch off your parents? Poor mom and dad would like to retire.

5. Time to start thinking long-term. Finances are a pain, am I right?

What we hear: You’re already behind on everything regarding stability in your life.

6. Remember the good old days of undergrad?!

What we hear: You are older than the dust under my fridge and now have no life.

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7. What do you miss the most from college?

What we hear: You’re no longer in college….wait, what?

8. How’s the real life treating you so far?

What we hear: Have you failed yet? Because you are going to sooner or later…

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xOx

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Breakdown of the Democratic Debate

The good ‘ole Donkey Debate. Bring on the blue!

Let’s just begin by saying this debate started off a bit slower than the Republican debate. However, these candidates are collectively about 450 years old, you need to remember. With that, it just means some good old fashion bickering is expected!

Bernie forgetting where he was in his sentence while simultaneously yelling his strong beliefs. Hillary staying sassy and not backing down from a good verbal fight (on guard!). O’Malley trying to prove he deserves to be there. Webb may be in the wrong place. And whoever that last guy is needs some love and attention, too.

First of all, WHERE IS JOE BIDEN…….

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“Uhhhh…I was supposed to be where?”

Second, Lincoln Chafee looks like a kid who just got told Santa really does exist.

NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 30: Lincoln Chafee visits FOX Business Network at FOX Studios on September 30, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Rob Kim/Getty Images) ORG XMIT: 582326837 ORIG FILE ID: 490713554

Photo by Rob Kim/Getty Images) ORG XMIT: 582326837 ORIG FILE ID: 490713554

“Yay I’m so happy to be here! What did I sign up for, again?”

Third, Jim Webb is only there because CNN realized they needed someone to fill the empty podium left for Biden

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“I’d like a turn to speak please…..” [an hour into the debate]

Fourth, Hillary Clinton has got her sass out and wearing it proudly.

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“Do you have a comment [about the Benghazi emails], Mrs. Clinton?”   “No.”

Fifth, Bernie reminds me of being yelled at by my grandpa. I feel like I really have to agree with him; just nod yes!

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“FREE TUITION COLLEGES!” “MIDDLE CLASS TAKEOVERS” – Sir, yes sir! #fistpump

Lastly, Martin O’Malley……I do deserve to be here.

Martin O'Malley, former governor of Maryland and 2016 Democratic presidential candidate, speaks at the Congressional Hispanic Caucus Institute conference in Washington, D.C., U.S., on Wednesday, Oct. 7, 2015. While next Tuesday's first Democratic presidential debate will probably lack the name-calling and sharp jabs of the Republican face-offs, there's still potential for strong disagreements between the party's leading contenders. Photographer: Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg via Getty Images

Photographer: Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg via Getty Images

“Please remember my name. Also, I want to fight Hillary a little”

Oh, there are other moderators than just Anderson Cooper?

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No.

xOx

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10 Stages of a Commuter’s Life

Unless you drive a substantial amount of time per day to work or class, you don’t understand true pain. So many feels occur during your drive. You live a lifetime during that trip. You laugh a little, you cry, you become hopeful, you get angry, you die a little, and a few other feels jump in there on you, too.

Be ready for some truth right here. It’s about to hit real hard.

HOPEFUL: The start of the drive always looks promising

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SMALL FLINCH: Then you hit your first red light

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http://www.you-can-be-funny.com/FunnyRoadSigns.html

NERVOUS: You start singing to distract yourself

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ANXIETY: Rush hour traffic hits real hard and cars are everywhere

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ANGER: You suddenly stop moving whatsoever

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FUMING: You realize you do this everyday and hate yourself for it

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SADNESS: You just want this drive to be over

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NOTHINGNESS: You are so over everything that you now have zero emotions

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PROUD: You have enlightening moments where you

solve all the problems of the world and, most importantly, your life

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TIRED: You have a parking spot and only realize your day has just begun

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Told you it would be a rough ride.

—-

xOx

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