Tonight marks the start of the beginning of the end. The Iowa Caucus has begun and that means we are finally beginning the journey to the end of this political chaos.
We all know what the candidates say on the outside; the lies and blasphemy they blurt to appease the largest group of people. But what are they really thinking? Wouldn’t it be good to know what’s going on inside? Let’s take a look at the candidates from their campaigning shenanigans this past week and see what they are actually thinking:
Hillary Clinton is really thinking: Did someone remember to put that stupid Iowa flag up? I’ve gotten really suck up to these Iowians…is that a word? Note to self: have my assistant look that up later… “Um what did you ask, again?”
Trump is really thinking: Mhmm, yes, yes, this is going to look GREAT to all those Evangelists. I hope someone is taking a photo of this moment. Let me purse my lips to make it look like I am actually feeling His presence. Jokes on you, Christians!
Rubio is actually thinking: I hope no one notices me sweating. Please don’t notice, please don’t notice, please don’t…. Oh no, these spotlights are not working for me, are they?
Paul is actually thinking: I believe… I believe that….I believe that I can win, I believe that I can win….c’mon Rand, you got this, eyes on the prize, stand strong, you’ve got this. Best. Pep-talk. Ever.
Santorum is actually thinking: Ha ha ha, check it out errrrybody. Nobody knows that I pretended this was Trump while I shot. Slayed him.
Kasich is really thinking: Nailed that fist bump. Did anyone see that? I crushed it with a millennial. GO JOHN GO.
Cruz is actually think: Hehe that is tickling my ear. And that’s all he’s got going up top.
Bush is thinking: I’m actually talking to an empty room. Luckily no one really watches me to know that, though.
O’Malley, poor guy, is thinking: This about sums it up. Only my fist makes it in focus for the photo.
Fiorina is thinking: Are the lights on? Did they not realize that I’m the guest speaker? I’m just going to keep talking straight into the souls of my audience.
Christie is actually thinking: Did they have to put a mirror right there? I already have two chins, now I have four thanks to those jerks…… MIRRORS ARE THE DEMISE OF SOCIETY AND THEY WILL KILL US SOMEDAY IF NO ACTION IS TAKEN.
And, lastly, Sanders is thinking: Hey you over there, yeah, you, Mr. Ghost. I know you’re back listening to me and I will continue to point you out until everyone else sees you, too. Arg grrr ar gggg.